How to Talk to Your Child About Death

One of the worst experiences as a parent is having to explain mortality to your child.

Grief is hard enough as it is for adults, but for a child, it can be even more confusing and painful, as they usually don’t have the mental capacity to comprehend what’s happening or the vocabulary to accurately explain how they feel.

But death is a natural part of life, and unfortunately, they’ll have to go through it at some point.

So, it’s crucial to walk them through the process in a proper and supportive way in order to develop their understanding of loss and the overall meaning of life in a healthy manner.

Here are some tips on how to talk to your child about death.

Honesty Is Still the Best Policy

While you understandably want to soften the reality of death for your child by saying things like “they’re in a better place” or “they’ve just gone away for a long time”, these statements can actually be incredibly damaging to your child’s understanding of death and how they later process their grief.

Rosemarie Truglio, a developmental psychologist and the senior vice president of education and research at Sesame Workshop, says that while it’s difficult, it’s important to be straightforward because saying such euphemisms as these can confuse and even scare your child.

For example, one of the most common statements that parents say is that “they’re just sleeping” in regards to a family pet that has died. However, Truglio explains that from a child’s perspective, this can be understood as, “You’re telling me that the dog went to sleep and isn’t going to wake up because he died, but I go to sleep every night…so am I going to die?”

To avoid this, you instead need to be perfectly clear and honest.

Explain what happens when someone dies in a simple and concrete way (i.e. “your body stops working”, “you stop breathing”, or “you don’t eat or drink anything”).

Be Prepared for Emotions and Questions

When death occurs, you need to realize that no matter how you approach the subject, your child will be upset, and will probably have a lot of questions for you.

So, it’s important to accept your child’s emotional reactions and to gauge what your child can handle by giving information in small bits at a time.

For example, if your child states that they’re angry about the death of their grandparent and they ask you about what’s going to happen now, let them know that it’s totally okay to feel angry, and then explain to them what happens after someone dies and how life will change now that their grandparent is gone (i.e. celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays).

This is an especially important practice for the funeral.

You’ll need to tell your child what they’ll see, who’ll be there, how people may be feeling, and what they’ll be doing. Be specific in your descriptions of what the surroundings will look like and what happens at a funeral. This’ll help both you and your child to figure out what can or can’t be handled, and how to go about the overall process of the service(s).

However, it’s also important to know that it’s okay if you don’t have a valid answer for something and you simply say “I don’t know”.

Having all of the answers is never easy, especially during a time of such tragedy. It’s equally helpful to tell your child that you don’t know about certain things, as this shows them that even an adult can be confused and uncertain, just as they are.

Involve Them in Rituals

In death, a sense of control is lost.

In order to regain some of that control, it’s a good idea to participate in rituals that honor your loved one.

Tammy Lewis Wilborn, a licensed professional counselor, says to be sure to also include children in these rituals, too, as it helps to explain that although a loved one may not be here, they can still be remembered and celebrated.

For example, let your child help to pick flowers for the grave, take them out to celebrate a significant day in the loved one’s life, or allow them to light a candle in remembrance during the holidays.

Involving your child in these rituals can help them to express how they’re feeling and it grounds them in a situation that often sweeps them off their feet.

Don’t Hide Your Own Feelings

You might think that hiding your own grief from your child is a good thing, but actually, it can do more harm than good.

The Child Development Institute reminds parents that children are sensitive barometers of emotion and are tremendous observers, so they know when something’s wrong by simply watching their parents’ body language and emotions, as well as what their parents say (or rather, don’t say).

When parents choose not to discuss something with their children, especially something as serious as death, their children also hesitate to ask questions. This causes a child to automatically think, “If my mom and dad are so upset that they can’t talk about it, maybe I shouldn’t talk about it either.”

So be open with your grief in front of your child. Share your feelings, whether it be sadness, anger, or confusion. Cry in front of them, cry with them, and cry often.

All of this allows your child to see that it’s normal (and healthy) to cry or to feel down after the death of a loved one.

Keep Hope Alive

Perhaps the most important thing to do, however, is for both you and your child to remember that while this is indeed a painful time, death isn’t really, truly, the end.

There’s still an incredible hope for what lies ahead in the future, both in the good and in the bad.

Rosemarie Truglio states that it’s important to convey this to your child so that they can recognize that life is going to go on and that everything’s going to be okay, as there’s still plenty of room for joy, and laughter, and things to look forward to.

You, your child, and the rest of your loved ones deserve nothing less.

Have you ever had to explain death to a child? Share your experience or some of your own tips in the comments below!


Resources

Bologna, Caroline. “How To Talk To Your Kids About Death And Grief.” HuffPost, HuffPost, 28 Nov. 2018, www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-death-and-grief_n_5be8eaa4e4b0769d24cecdee.

“How to Talk to Kids About Death.” Child Development Advice And Parenting Help For Parents, childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/communication/talk-to-kids-death/#gs.skarak.

Serani, Deborah. “The Do’s and Don’ts of Talking with a Child about Death.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 4 Dec. 2016, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death.

Turner, Cory. “The Dog Isn’t Sleeping: How To Talk With Children About Death.” NPR, NPR, 4 Mar. 2019, www.npr.org/2019/03/04/698309351/the-dog-isnt-sleeping-how-to-talk-with-children-about-death.

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